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February 23rd, 2006
06:32 pm - getting fat
i am seriously getting so fat. i can't stop myself from eating and sleeping and then binge eating.
122 lbs! what am i going to do!!!!!!!!
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April 7th, 2005
01:16 pm - GLOOMY DAY
you know what i miss? i miss waking up early....i can never seem to wake up before noon and then my whole day is just kind of......cut. on top of that, today is a gloomy day. i've had great weather and pleasant sunshine for the past week or so and then THIS...it's just uncalled for!! oh well I suppose I must deal with what the sky gives me.
tomorrow i will try to wake up early. well actually, I MUST. i have a quiz at 9:35 so I'll study for that today...i feel like i'm on summer vacation but i'm actually still enrolled in school. hmm i have alot of administrative stuff to take care of today so i thought i'd start the day off with a journal entry to organize my task list. turn in drop form, drop of Rx, cancel appointment, take care of minor, and check pre-requisites for next semester. I woke up this morning with a phone call from Naylor Publications...hmm should i call back? i'm crossing my fingers for Harris Ideas but i dono..maybe i should stick with nordstrom. ahhhhhhh i don't know!!!!!!
i've been sleeping so WIERD lately. so very wierd. it's not BAD sleep..i wake up feeling well rested...but it's like i want to keep sleeping and my dreams are so......boring. why do they even bother bothering my brain with such boring chains of events? so i wake up feeling all wierd and out of it.
great, i hear speckles of raindrops. what a lovely day i have to look forward to!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/indifferent_sp.gif) and insipid
Current Music: ASHLEE SIMPSON i know..how gay
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February 28th, 2005
12:06 am - retin-A sucks
it's making my skin peel and be irritated like crazy..i don't even know if it's such a good idea anymore..i think it's just burning my skin and making it worse...*ouch* anyways...having skin problems really sucks because it's so hard to fix---and everything else just seems to not work~ never mind u don't know what i'm talking about.
so my mom and dad came and attacked me with a bag of ice!! haha it was so funny..my mom was like TURN AROUND~~ and then she jabbed the icebag on my face....those goofballs...but if i had one thing i could wish for..it would be normal skin...it's not even acne...it's just some sort of really wierd irritation/allergy~~ b/c acne medications never work...i WISH it was just normal acne...then at least there would be a cure!! *sniff sniff* how frustrating... for a while i thought it got better ..in shanghai..i didnt even have to wear make-up~~ but i dono what the USA does to my skin...i think its the humidity or something??
well anyways...mom and dad kind of crushed my hope and excitement for nordstrom...they don't seem to think it's a REAL job.....i dono.....where am i headed anyways? i seemed to think it was good.....but now......i just don't know~~
i kind of wanted to take a break from timmy to cure my skin but he thinks that is ridiculous. but i think it gets alot worse everytime i'm with him...maybe the stress or maybe the bad sleeping patterns i form...(OR MAYBE THE DAMN TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE CONTINOUSLY) plus i don't want ppl seeing my face all swollen and peeling and shit~~ sighhhhhhhh i dono !!!!!!! what is a girl to do?????
anyways..spent some time with timmy~~ did our share of fighting and did our share of loving..but i really wonder sometimes if im starting to get bored of him~~ if we're not fighting..is it just dull??? i sure hope fighting is not the only thing keeping us going...cuz that's not very healthy at all....but what do couples do????? what do old boring couples do.....because i can only sleep, eat, and watch so much TV~~~ and then it's like we're at this comfort level that we don't wana go out to the movies that much...or out anywhere for that matter....but damn doesn't that shit get boring?? i don't expect him to entertain me 24-7...i just don't know WHAT i want...maybe i want something fresh and new and exciting---yeah?? sometimes..but not really...i love timmy~~ i guess this is what love is all about---u have to give up "like". now i see why people are compelled to cheat on each other....relationships just get so boring that u don't care if ur risking it at the time. but all in all..after everything is said and done...u will realize...why that long relationship was so long in the first place~~ and how much love, trust, and feelings it took to build it up~~ and to throw it all away for one fickle moment of boredom or one unsupressable desire....i guess it just says something. if u care about the other person enough~~ you know what's wrong and right--and you have to learn to control yourself....that is what draws the line. otherwise a relationship is meaningless.
ummmm here i go rambling and preaching again...i get into some long unnecessary trains of thoughts sometimes--CHoOoo choOooo i dono..i especially love thinking when i'm back in my room room in my home home... this is where i grew up!!! i hope they never sell this house =( so many memories....i wonder if i can ever tell my parents about timmy...and when is the time~~ if there even is a time.....do u think we'll really get married?? u think so livejournal?? i think so sometimes...but i know ur not supposed to have doubts. and ur not supposed to be fearing divorce. so maybe this is all wrong.....and if so, then what am i doing?? why am i digging the hole deeper and deeper? i just hope i will not regret this.....i really fucking hope so...everytime i do this (realistically, at least 10 times) i end up hating myself..i end up saying...[WHY DID U LET TIMMY FUCK YOU OVER AGAIN!!!!!!! THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!! YOU'RE SO STUPID LULU!!!! YOU WERE HAPPY YOU WERE GOOD WITHOUT HIM>>>>YOU DIDN'T NEED HIM AND NOW U MADE YOURSELF WANT HIM..good job]
well..let's just hope the above sentence will never be repeated. should i have faith in timmy? i think i should...i might as well..otherwise what am i doing here? no point to be 1/2way into something......if im gona get my feet wet, might as well plunge in right? that way my body will just adjust to the temperature of the water and eventually it'll be fun splashing around...instead of sitting by the water dangling my feet, afraid of the cold....afraid to jump in....never risk drowning...but never get to swim.....
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/happy_sp.gif) happy
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February 20th, 2005
04:57 am - friends, lovers, and mentors.
so i decided i like to write in live journal much more than xanga. i feel so much more comfortable talking to people who don't judge me (mainly myself) and i guess it's a place where i can put down my front. i front like im happy sometimes, or i front like im crazy---but in reality, i'm just a girl. just a girl that experiences emotions and feelings and ups and downs, thinks a little bit too much, but enjoys her life as a whole. i mean heck, why else would i still be here?
i feel so unsure of myself sometimes, and i don't want to expose that to the world---so instead i just come off as confused & dorky or reserved & shy. i know not many people think it's a big deal to try and find themselves, or maybe many people figure it out early on, or maybe some people are just born knowing their soul and their purpose. but, i, on the other hand, have to sit here and wind myself through tumbling weeds of thoughts and theories to seemingly drive myself crazy, but really cure myself from leading an empty life with a lost soul. you can think i'm foolish all you want, but different people strive for different things in life. i am looking to experience all the follies that life has to offer, and even if i have to regret.....at least i have something to regret.
some people like to challenge themselves with high goals and financial objectives and plans, some with intellectual battles and breakthroughs, but i am looking for emotional fulfillment. i want to drive around happy everyday and just tap my finger to the music, smiling, dancing to myself. nobody has to be there. nobody has to care. i am content with just me.
but i've strayed from friends and family. i feel that im drifting into my own world. sometimes i let timmy in....but even then, he's only there for a visit. but i guess i really miss my friends the most. just pure innocent friendship. when you grow older, you begin to realize all the different values in your life....what you place into a friendship, is what you get out of it. sometimes reciprocations may not be precise, but for the most part it's quite mutual. i always seem to forget that there are other people who care about me. i guess because my parents never showed that they care too much...i don't see how much other people CAN care. my problems are simple when you think about it. that's the problem, thinking about it.
one day, i know i will grow up, read this entry, and laugh. i always do. it's always so funny to me when everything has passed. and i become emotionless until i see his face again. but u know..i always wonder...if one day he, too, will be just a joke. something i will simply shrug off and disregard. i see it sometimes. i used to see a wedding and a family. now its getting blurry....u know maybe some things happen for a reason...and there's nothing i could have done to prevent it then or change it now. if one day your porcelain doll breaks, you can superglue it back, the first time, the second time, the third time, but maybe one day you'll lose a piece. and then you can never put it back together. it will never be the same....
and then you just think, how sad, i glued it back all the other times.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/pensive_sp.gif) thoughtful
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January 21st, 2005
01:51 am
i am so proud of myself!! instead of sitting in the back corner and standing by while those 3 bitches decided to take rule over the group, i took charge and gained my respect back. after part one of our assignment was assigned, I immediately took advantage of the opportunity to express my opinions and contribute my ideas to the group so that everyone was like "wow". I was happy that I was able to let my voice be heard, and that I'm sure they will now know I exist since the whole project will be based upon MY ideas. I don't know if it's smart though because sometimes I feel like people steal my ideas and take advantage of my intellectual property. A friend of mine, Ken, taught me to protect my work and claim credit for everything I do. I think he's right, I never realized how many people out there just take credit for somebody else's work. I'm really starting to see why plagerism is such a crime, it's awful. I really ought to be some kind of non-profit worker. I love ideals more than money.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/working_sp.gif) accomplished
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January 12th, 2005
06:21 pm
already i want to stop competing. so these three bitches that i'm in a group with just decided to name themselves group leaders without asking consent from me or my other friend in the group. i find that absolutely rude and inconsiderate, and all of a sudden it dawns on me that this is the way the real world will be. this is the kind of environment i will be in. and what do i do when they step on me? i shrivel, and i crumble, and i feel so small underneath their huge stomping foot. oh god, i must be in the wrong career.
maybe i should be a writer. it seems to be the only thing i enjoy and i could always write under a pen name or something, you know? i hate to be in the spotlight sometimes, because i am just so god damn insecure. that is what ultimately ruins me. my relationships, my social life, my self. i don't know--they say that confidence can be learned, and confidence comes from knowledge. but do i have enough confidence to let myself learn?
Current Mood: suppressed
Current Music: dashboard
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January 11th, 2005
12:43 am - ok so more thinking.......
i'm thinking about the whole "blog-attack-issue." a friend of mine says that if he were to write a journal, there would be no reason to post it online for the whole world to read, but rather it should be a personal thing. but is it hypocritical of me to want to share my thoughts yet scoff in disgust at "xanga stalkers"? it's like, i want CERTAIN people to read it, and i dont mind complete STRANGERS reading it, but those accquaintence-level nosy shit-talkers are bound to pry. it isn't so bad, i suppose, whatever i post publically is fair game. i, myself, also enjoy reading others entries so i can't say anything, but sometimes i think this whole online journal trend is just BAD. we weren't meant to know certain things, and that's the way it should be. i mean--it was nice when it was just friends using it as a keep-in-touch mechanism, but it's gone too far. the irony is, i'm still writing.
i miss ragnarok. now that i think about it, that's the only realm of people i enjoyed hanging out with, virtually or not. everybody was nice--no front--complete strangers, completely friendly. i suppose that's where you have to stick losers like me that can't assimilate into the real world. oh God, what am i doing in advertising? the people industry. the connection network. the social glam life. do i have secret desires to seek out everything i can't have, can't do, and utterly defeats me?
so reading other people's advertisement of themselves (livejournal, xanga, asianavenue, friendster, etc.)persuasively lures/repels me to their character. and then instead of people-watching in front of Starbucks, i find myself people-reading on the internet. still judging from the outside, still judging blindly, but ever-so-convinced with my judgement. there's the "try-too-hards"--all decked out in a eye-blinding outfit that is too much of one particular style or too obviously fake to be unique, then there's the "artificial snobs"---act like they don't care about the world, and they're too good, but yet walking the same ground as you are, and finally the "normal people"--dressed down, not trying to be anything, just walking, just plain. i won't even go into the particular niches of AzN, EMO, GanGstAz, etc. you can usually label by the user-name. so why am i even analyzing this? i suppose i'm applying my market analysis skills.
ok--must be more practical and stop rambling. no wonder nobody reads my shit!!! well i suppose this is the best way to do online-journal writing--no publicity, no advertising. i lack in my expertise.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Faye Wong---Zhi Wei
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January 3rd, 2005
01:42 am - we broke up
so i think it's final, but i'm already quite late on updating. the heart-break stage has passed and i'm on the road to peace! i'm constantly soul-searching and listening for "om."
anyways, i find i do spend quite a bit of money on unnecessary items, things of the useless sort---necklaces, earrings, cheap jewelery, cheap clothes i'll never wear, candy--scratch that, it's a simple pleasure. my new years resolution ought to be to stop wasting mom and dad's money on futile objects. i love to shop at Michael's and buy cart-fulls of arts and crafts i'll never have the patience to put to use. oh how my mind wanders and prances as my body sits astill! useless lazy fingers of mine, crazy thinking brain. i scold and i scoff until the only thing that's blowing is my head. my body remains aloof. oh dear, it's a new year.
i speak to myself often. in mandarin, in english, in cantonese. it cycles around my head in sing-song voices in scolding voices in whispers in cries. i start to imagine things and then i start to hear other voices, his voice, her voice, their voice, until i can't distinguish which is which and it all whirls into a radiowave of fingernails scratched against records. ahh. calm. a calm clam, that's what i am. holding the pearl that belongs to the oyster. they'll eat me anyways, those humans, sell me for what i'm worth, or what i'm not worth.
and so i find in the midst of it all, i have forgotten about him. about our feelings and our passions, but i remember a lesson well-learned. i remember the experiences and the events vividly, but i forget the feelings. you can never grasp those. they are momentary things, those feelings. but it's okay--because i know i'll feel it again someday, i don't hope for it, i don't wait for it, but i expect it will come. it's natural. i've thought too much about human life, about fate, about existentialism. i've thought too much about him, about him and i, about him and her. i've thought until i've created things in my mind that seem to exist, but they really don't, or maybe they do--i can no longer tell. i've thought until nobody else could handle my thinking. they all don't understand, i don't expect them to. and yet i always hold contempt in my heart against ignorant simple-minded creatures when really i am no different. i am the same. i experience the same folly and have lost myself to the same emotions. but i want to come out a different person...i want to come out being me. do you understand?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/mellow_sp.gif) peaceful
Current Music: Coldplay- The Scientist
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December 5th, 2004
09:08 pm - turn on the music to an empty apartment
throw down your keys, plop down on your couch, and dig into a carton of ice-cream. turn on the tv, and fill the empty room with muted silence. muffle your thoughts that come through so vivid in the clear. stare out the window. stare at the patio. stare at the headlights that drive by. listen to darkness. hear the light. scream inside, scream outside. of ecstacy more than anger, of relief more than stress, of feeling more than showing. of me.
dancing to my own drum beat and singing my own tunes...nobody can hear me. it's so nice...i love me. i love being with me. don't you love it too? all the strings break loose and he's still strumming. still singing. still loving me.
aHhhhh lalallala........these are my college days. i hope i never forget.
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: radiohead- karma police
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October 19th, 2004
12:14 am - yeah i know i never write in this thing.
but i feel like i need to write. to nobody but people who care. or people who don't care. but people who don't judge.
i almost feel like dropping a tear to know who those people are. i can count them in one hand, and the rest of my fingers are shaky. i don't know who you are. i really don't. sigh, i miss you.
back with timmy...it sucks. i love him but i don't. sometimes i feel like im just forcing myself almost. u know? i feel like it may just be a first love kind of thing..and why the fuck am i lingering on. he makes me sad and mad most of the time, happy some of the time, bored half of the time, and aggravated all of the time. but this is just me speaking on a bad day. god damn am i moody. u don't know a moody girl until you've met me. i will be crying and laughing at the same time. i could be so so happy but think about some really fucking sad thoughts. i drive myself crazy. thats the only way to explain it. but i can't help it. and boy do i miss writing. i love to write. i never have time to evaluate my thoughts and feelings anymore. i don't know. it's all timmy. he changes my life completely. i lose my soul.
lately i keep reminiscing on the past year when i was free with my friends..all single...all having the time of our lives. i almost want to DRAG it until it slows to a complete stop. why does it keep moving? i don't want to grow up!! i don't want to get a job!! i don't want to live by myself!! i don't want any of it!! i don't want a FAMILY..are u crazy........i don't want responsibilities.....i'm young, i wana stay that way. help me....
give me the strength to let go. love is not this. love should make me happy. i should make me happy.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/sad_sp.gif) sad
Current Music: straylight run
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September 20th, 2004
08:19 pm - eating alone is so lonely
so timmy has come and gone....the only one who reads this journal is ralph and kai and maybe my cuz william i think..so i will just write whatever.
today's menu is washed away with lonely tears. hahaha im so gay. anyways i think it sucks to experience a piece of heaven and get thrown back to the dwelling of the mortals on planet earth, dull and dreary. now i see you, now i don't. now i love you, now you don't. yes you do.
i've never felt so LONELY before!!!! i never even knew the meaning of that word.....alone meant peace for me......but grocery shopping through the aisles of publix listening to sorority girls chattering away, couples giggling, and families laughing....and then coming home to an empty kitchen and an unwashed frying pan. i don't want to cook for me. doesn't anyone want to taste my delicious cooking? i wanna cook for you!!!!!!!! *sigh* so then i end up going out to eat by myself, sitting at the sushi bar, like those ultimate loser geeks that have no life no friends and no happiness. yet i still won't pick up the phone and call.
is this called anti-social?
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June 15th, 2004
03:56 pm - summer's almost over
and it went by so fast...i feel so stressed out in a way, but i'm actually so relaxed. i sleep on average 10 hours a day at all weird times, and my body is fully fed and minimally exercised. why then do i complain?
i feel so sick of life. as if everything is just nothing and it's all insuffice. so if you've heard, i'm actually dating someone. but you know me, i hate love, let me rephrase that, i love to hate love but i love to love. make sense? not that its anywhere close to love but, just using the term loosely.
i'm really a lovey dovey girl but i try not to be cuz it's just so.........annoying. and then when i think about myself, i get sick in the stomach.
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April 8th, 2004
05:01 pm - *sigh*
i'm so unproductive lately....i haven't been keeping up with school at all----why am i so lazy? i have to write a 5 page literary synthesis and i have a chinese test tomorrow...oh yeah workshop for my oral interpretation too.......arggg------ concentrate lucille.
i want my car back. =(
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: sad stuff dude
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April 5th, 2004
10:30 pm - ARG *@(!)$*!)@$
gosh i'm so pissed off and cranky today....just woke up from a nap...it's 10:30 p.m. i went to sleep around 8. aish... i was supposed to get my car back from the shop today but some shit went wrong so that's another day i will have to go handicapped..HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THEY TORTURE ME??? so after school i went to shoot some pool at the reitz but that just pissed me off even more...boy do i get cranky when the balls don't go in the holes. i just started shooting like crazy. i'm such a kid.
good part is i had icecream today. bad part is it still didn't make me happy. maybe if i drink some water.....*sip*.....nope, that didn't work. anyways, i'm a malfunctioned robot--i ought to repolish my tin....i'm going to go punch a punching bag now. bye.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/angry_sp.gif) cranky
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March 30th, 2004
05:12 pm - don't know what to do with my life
don't wana major in advertising anymore
what else is new?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/achy_sp.gif) anxious
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March 29th, 2004
10:24 pm
would you hold my hand---if i saw you in heaven?
and suddenly i think about everything all over again. and suddenly the emotions come rushing back. and suddenly i touch a part of my heart i've left forsaken for so long. and suddenly i miss him.
it's been so long...i can barely remember his face....but i can remember the way he smells, the way it felt just to be next to him. and all i want to do is hold his hand again. not now. but in Heaven.
the way someone smells is so cute. just something nice..you know? anyways mooshy chinese music made me sad...all those thought provoking words.
i miss being in love. but even more than that, i hate men.
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: roof top
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March 28th, 2004
02:07 am - ignorant people piss me off
dude: skool is just not 4 me
dude: i could make as much as a cop or fire fighter wid da job im chasin
dude: y waste time n $$
BabiPrshuS: yea well if u dont like it then obviously dont do it
dude: only thing i dont get is benefits but who give a crap
BabiPrshuS: but don't you ever wana be highly educated?
dude: i dont need 2 have dead ppls on my mind all da time
BabiPrshuS: i mean...i really think education opens your mind to a world you may never know
dude: dont matta how smart u get
i mean hello......."the only thing i get is the benefits??" i personally believe that you get way more out of education than "the benefits." dumbass... and he kept argueing with me after that too, it just makes me look so down on him. i know its kinda bad but poorly educated people piss me off.
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March 24th, 2004
05:14 am - up late again
ok it's already 5:15 A.M. and i'm debating if i should sleep....interview at 10:30 and exam at 1:55 which i still haven't studied much for...if i sleep now i'll just be cranky as hell when i wake up...but if i don't sleep i'll be delirious---but i think i'm kind of funny when i'm delirious--sooo....
if you think i sound like Homestar i'm going to kill you. anyways, kind of nervous about my interview...what am i gonna say...? what am i gonna wear....? it's my first time!! *butterflies* if i get the internship that'd be so fuckin awesome. i'm totally pro-working these days. i think it usually takes a while for me to start liking a job, but once i like it, i grow attached. so hopefully it will be the same with Adbiz if i get an opportunity--besides i should really start exploring the advertising world to see if it's what i really wana do.
i should get involved more. i have a roomate like becky and i still manage to be a hermit. imagine what life would be if i lived alone. but then again i tend to be more socially bold when i'm on my own....*shrugs* i'm forever trying to figure myself out, psychology really was a very good major for me, too bad its useless.
Current Mood: nervous
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March 23rd, 2004
03:14 am
one by one my roomates are turning off their lights. i think it's time for me to do the same.
i can't wait to have a productive day tomorrow. ^_^
for a while i HATED working and having a job...but now that i think about, i wouldn't want to be without-- besides the extra cash which just about doubles my happiness in life (EXTRA icecream, EXTRA vacations, EXTRA food, EXTRA clothes....)i also get some sort of social connection with the outside world. i remember working at bento was alot of fun...so many people...so much gossip...i still miss it sometimes especially jimmy, he was such a cool boss..at first i didn't think i'd like kotobuki but now, i'm starting to like everyone and i actually have fun working (sometimes). so, it's cool. without work i'd probably be even more of a hermit than i am now.
Current Mood: calm
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March 21st, 2004
04:36 am - do you ever think of me ?
i think so much. of you, of him, of her, of things, of life, of me......and it always leads to nothing so i don't know why i bother. i mean my thoughts are barely worth two cents, really.
i am totally a girl in the process of growing up. trying to learn the ways of people and the ways of life, with scarce understanding of myself. *sigh* i dono, maybe too much alone time isn't such a good thing.
well anyways--i just wana say i'm really glad that i have the people i have in my life. i don't know how the hell they got there, but i'm damn glad they did. ralph you are one of them. =) i mean geez, random black guy in my english class? boy are you lucky you met me! hehe jk! =P
i'm craving bubble tea like crazy. can't wait to go get some!! ahhh
Current Mood: content
Current Music: paris in flames
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furious_teapot's journal